I wish my penis had an off switch
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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