The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
