I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
