I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
