if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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