I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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