We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
