Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
