moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
