You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
