Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
