I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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