This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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