You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
