Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
