So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
