Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
