if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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