He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
