The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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