billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
