Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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