I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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