I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
