Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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