Tell her she can't have a vagina
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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