As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The Olympian is in my bed
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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