the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
