ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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