i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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