U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
