Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
