just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
