I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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