oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
