We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
