I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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