i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
