I just gift wrapped bread.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
