or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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