I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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