if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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