it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
