Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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