im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
