I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you had me at cake vodka
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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