Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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