I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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