She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
