So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i dont even know how to be here
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
