I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
